It’s the classic parental dilemma. My 21 year old son Noel, a junior in college, comes home for the weekend with a question on his mind, a question for which he desires a father’s guidance.
“Dad,” he asks, “Is it alright to kill Mormon missionaries?”
One does not want to give a kneejerk response to such a question, so I temporize:
“Why would you want to do such a thing?” I ask, thinking of a number of possible reasons.
“Self-defense,” he answers.
“Are Mormon missionaries threatening to harm you?” I ask, naturally concerned. Visions of my child being run down by battalions of white-shirted, dark tie wearing bicyclists swim before my eyes.
“Well, they seem to intend to, anyway.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, they keep wanting to tell me about their religion.”
“Now, Noel, I agree that can be pretty annoying, but hardly in itself a real threat to you, right?”
“They seem to think it is, anyway. It’s their religion. They ought to know if it’s dangerous if anyone should.”
“Fair enough, but what makes you think they want to harm you?”
“Okay,” Noel says, “They keep coming around wanting to teach me about being a Mormon.”
“Sure. They can’t help it, I suppose. Probably genetic.”
“Whatever. But they say that if they tell me about their religion and I am not converted, I must go to Hell, because I will have knowingly rejected the word of God.”
“Lots of religious types will send you to Hell for a lot less.”
“Naturally, but the Mormons say that if I haven’t heard the word of God, I am merely ignorant, will not be punished for this, since God is just, and I go to Heaven.”
“So, if they leave you alone, you go to Heaven?”
“So they say.”
“And if they fail to convert you, you go to Hell?”
“Apparently.”
“So, if they give you their pitch and fail to convert you, you are knowingly rejecting the word of God and will be consigned to eternal torment from boiling in a lake of flaming sulfur?”
“Exactly.”
“So, they have a pretty great responsibility to convert you.”
“You might think that a just and compassionate God would make sure they succeeded. But I’m not confident about their ability. I know a lot of people to whom the Mormons have talked but who were not converted.”
“And these folks are going to Hell?”
“No doubt about it, at least in the Mormons’ minds.”
“So, in terms of mens rea – the mindset of wrongful intent - if they leave you alone, you go to Heaven and live happily ever after.”
“Presumably.”
“But if they tell you all about their religion and you are not convinced, then you go to Hell?”
“That’s the deal.”
“So, if they leave you alone, you’re fine. But if they attempt to convert you, they are placing your immortal soul in the very real danger of eternal damnation?”
“Correct.”
“So their efforts to engage you in theological discourse constitute a conscious intention on their part to needlessly imperil your soul.”
“I think it’s bullshit, of course, but such seems to be their conscious intent.”
“Kill ‘em all. After all, it’s not just your soul they mean to endanger.”
It’s very important for parents to really listen to their children.
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